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While looking for a user icon in my Downloads folder I saw the photo she sent me of herself. She looks good, nice, pretty and happy. And I told her she's fat, ugly, a whore, hooker, disgusting, STD-ridden. She looks normal, good, nice, she's supposed to be happy and I'm trying my fucking hardest to make her feel like shit.
Whenever we talk like normal people I forget everything she tells me, of course. I talk about my own problems, about myself, or about her, without listening to her much. She does say a lot of memorable, thoughtworthy things, I just wish I could listen, pay attention and remember. The last time we voice-chatted on Hangouts I thought about the things she said the following days and drew a lot of inspiration from them. Whenever I bother to listen I'm able to do this.
Anyway, we were talking about her social life and her situation at work. She told me she doesn't socialise much, doesn't go on lunch breaks, coffee breaks, but that there was some lunch thing happening (Indian food?......) and that she would go there to socialise, but apparently she didn't, and that she didn't go to a "drinks thing", but I am ashamed to admit I can't remember a drinks thing. That's how awful I am. Not only do i harass her, when she replies I don't listen. I guess it was an after-work kind of thing? It gave me that little tingling "feel bad" thing, which is the most I usually ever feel. A tiny prick of empathic emotion in my chest. I'm not writing this to come off as some cold cool badass or to be indirectly cruel to her, that's just usually what I feel, and to me that proves that I feel something at least.
It is bad, she should socialise, and when she told me that she hadn't gone to anything, and not to the museum, that she doesn't go anywhere or do anything, she hates her life and wants to die, it had some effect on me. I need to stop harassing her, I want her to be happy. I mean, I guess I want her to like me, it's all selfishness I guess. But I want to think that I want her to be happy in general.
Hopefully she will do some stuff this weekend, I will nag her. Maybe I'll start spamming her about doing things with her life instead. That's somewhat better at least.
Whenever we talk like normal people I forget everything she tells me, of course. I talk about my own problems, about myself, or about her, without listening to her much. She does say a lot of memorable, thoughtworthy things, I just wish I could listen, pay attention and remember. The last time we voice-chatted on Hangouts I thought about the things she said the following days and drew a lot of inspiration from them. Whenever I bother to listen I'm able to do this.
Anyway, we were talking about her social life and her situation at work. She told me she doesn't socialise much, doesn't go on lunch breaks, coffee breaks, but that there was some lunch thing happening (Indian food?......) and that she would go there to socialise, but apparently she didn't, and that she didn't go to a "drinks thing", but I am ashamed to admit I can't remember a drinks thing. That's how awful I am. Not only do i harass her, when she replies I don't listen. I guess it was an after-work kind of thing? It gave me that little tingling "feel bad" thing, which is the most I usually ever feel. A tiny prick of empathic emotion in my chest. I'm not writing this to come off as some cold cool badass or to be indirectly cruel to her, that's just usually what I feel, and to me that proves that I feel something at least.
It is bad, she should socialise, and when she told me that she hadn't gone to anything, and not to the museum, that she doesn't go anywhere or do anything, she hates her life and wants to die, it had some effect on me. I need to stop harassing her, I want her to be happy. I mean, I guess I want her to like me, it's all selfishness I guess. But I want to think that I want her to be happy in general.
Hopefully she will do some stuff this weekend, I will nag her. Maybe I'll start spamming her about doing things with her life instead. That's somewhat better at least.
